Dear Carson: My family and I have been invited to my brother's second wedding. The problem is, my brother has neglected us for 20 years now, never acknowledging the birth of my children or family gatherings such as Christmas and birthdays.

I have called him many times through the years and have received only about five calls from him in that time. One of his calls was to ask for a loan to purchase a nice vehicle. (I turned him down.)

This is an out-of-town wedding, and I have been told that we will have to arrange and pay for our accommodations. I am disgusted by his thoughtlessness and would love to tell him so, but for the sake of etiquette. How can I decline this invitation? - Pushed Away by Rudeness

Dear Pushed Away: Your brother is selfish and insensitive, and you sound as if you have suffered years of hurt and neglect. Write him a note, saying that you will be unable to attend but resist the desire to tell him off.

If you feel like it, send a modest gift from you and your family. It is, however, normal procedure for out-of-town guests to make their own arrangements for hotel accommodations and pay their own way.

Weddings and funerals are times when emotions are fragile, and it is best to handle things in a gentle manner. Please resist the temptation to get even, no matter how tempting it may be. It will only cause years of estrangement.

Write to Ask Carson, The Augusta Chronicle, P.O. Box 1928, Augusta, GA 30903-1928. Send e-mail to askcarson@home.com. Carson Elliott's Web site is at www.theproperthing.com.